I’m feeling a bit maudlin at the moment.
We’ve just travelled home in the car, listening to music. I like music. I used to be a rock chic, Marillion, Iron Maiden and Dire Straits. Then I started dancing and I started listening to music differently. I like music that makes me feel. When I dance I try to express that – the way the music is making me feel alters the way I move. Nowadays I find music that doesn’t make me feel something is a bit dull. I still love dancing to the Macarena and the Timewarp, but I wouldn’t choose to listen to them. I prefer songs like Lewis Capaldi’s Someone You Loved. He’s in pain and when he sings I feel that pain.
That’s what music is for.
But I haven’t been able to dance for 6 months. It’s a very close contact sport – not very COVID-19 friendly. A little bit of dance is starting back, but it is not the same. I am very grateful to the venues that are doing it, but it makes me realise what I am missing.
There is less dancing – fewer venues, limited numbers and shorter sessions. There’s no chance to dance with someone other than your partner. No dancing with the lights down, no losing yourself in the music. And only a small number of venues are open. Some are shut with no chance of opening. Hopefully one day they can, but that day is a long way away in a world that I can’t imagine. But one of the most painful things is the people who still can’t dance. We are only allowed to dance within our own family group or support bubble. That means the people who don’t live with a dancer can’t dance. That’s a very high proportion of the dancers. It makes me feel awful, knowing that they can’t do what they love and I can. All in all, I love dancing but hate the way the world is affecting it.
Thinking about dancing makes me hurt. Listening to music that makes me feel – music that I would love to dance to because it makes me feel – hurts too much. It just makes me sad. Everything about it is painful at the moment.
I’ve tried to replace dancing with other things, baking, walking, watching films, but music is always around and it takes me right back down. I will suddenly dissolve into tears at random times. The reason being that a song has come on that makes me feel something and I can’t cope with it.
But I feel silly for feeling so sad. Our incomes were affected a bit, but not a lot. None of us has been ill and no one we know has been. We are privileged.
I suspect I’m not the only one who feels like this. We have all had our lives changed. Some of the changes might actually be good in the longer term. We were consuming far more than was good, safe or necessary. Having less of a ‘buy it now because I can’ culture is no bad thing. But change can be hard.
I look back to the biggest change I’ve ever had – having children. That was incredibly hard. It caused pain and turmoil but was so worthwhile. The other big change I’ve had was moving to the boat. You’ve read about the multitudes of disasters we’ve had, as well as the fun times.
Change can be difficult.
Having children and moving to the boat were my choice. No one told me to do it. Which meant it was exciting and positive as well as challenging and difficult.
This current change is prescribed. I can see it hurting people I care about. I didn’t choose it and I don’t have any control over it. It’s not surprising that I sometimes struggle.
I suspect a lot of other people are also finding it difficult. They might not miss dancing (or quietly weep as they wish the supermarket would stop playing emotional songs) but I’m sure most of us have something we miss, even if we also have things we like.
Change is hard and that’s okay.
I’m worried about the world going back to ‘normal’. If dancing goes back to the way it was I’m going to keep crying on my dance partner! Tears on a dance floor will make it slippery!
I think it might be healthy to accept that this might be hard at times and be open and honest about what we find tough.
Start here, drop something in the comments. What do you find difficult?